Things I want to teach myself:

  • How to use a hammer and/or pants belt (I’ll settle for either really. Don’t want to be too ambitious)
  • Anything about computers beyond “this is where the video games go”
  • How to write jokes that aren’t about diarrhea

Things I have taught myself so far:

  • How to be a real lazy sack
  • How to write jokes about diarrhea (focus on the poop guys, always focus on the poop)
  • How to rationalize nearly any junk food purchase (Here’s a starter’s tip: “I want to eat this, and also who cares?”)

Surprisingly, I did not go to school for laziness. Just a natural talent I guess. Try to contain your awe.

<3 Mike