I know what you’re thinking. “But Mike and Dana, what if I get stuck in a holiday conversation I hate that ISN’T about having children? How do I get out of that iron maiden of shit?”
Don’t even worry about it! If it’s one thing we’re good at, it’s conjuring excuses to get out of things. Here’s a few of our favorites that should cover you for the rest of the holidays:
- If politics come up: Insist you’re for whatever party, candidate or law that lets you do the most drugs and engage in the most dangerous, loveless premarital sex. Then, walk over to the nearest fridge and start spooning mayo into your mouth with your bare fingers. With your mouth full of ‘naise, emphatically gurgle to whoever will listen that “Doin’ yoyo is the hottest thing all the drug sluts like.” Explain that if you eat it fast enough, you get something known as a “wicked butt erection,” which really helps with all your hazy, memoryless slutting. After that, offer no more explanations and just continue gorging on mayo until you are left alone or have to go puke.
- If the direction of your career comes up: Claim that actually, you’ve been thinking about going to clown college. Then, stand up, straighten out and clap your arms tightly to your sides as if you were preparing to do a gymnastics routine. Begin the most repetitive dance you can, ideally something with a lot of hip-shimmying, and say over and over “I’m a gopher! I’m a gopher! I’m a gopher!” Repeat forever.
- If your singleness comes up: Casually mention that you’ve been living with a reasonably friendly ghost for a while now. Explain that it’s pretty cool for the most part, except for every once and a while it takes control of your body and makes you either continuously dig shallow ditches in your backyard or steal huge amount of oxycontins and taxidermy supplies and hide them in places you can’t remember. Then, force the loudest laugh you can and continue it until you can’t breathe anymore. NOTE: this response can also work if religion comes up!
You’re welcome everyone, and happy holidays!