People who don’t yet work in office environments: You will be amazed at the bad habits you develop after a few months. To wit:

  • I chew coffee straws. Constantly. Like a plastic-obsessed horse or pig.
  • I can sit at a desk for up to 12 hours straight and not really feel bad about it. It’s like being a prehistoric lizard. Not the dinosaur kind, the normal-sized, sedentary rat-eating kind that just sits on rocks and stares at nothing all day.
  • The other day I walked up to a cop and punched him right in the face.
  • We had all this cocaine in the office on Weds., but I ended up swallowing a ton of it on accident! Talk about careless!
  • Sometimes I will take a knife and plunge it right into the meat of my thigh just to remind myself that there is human blood pumping through me, and not a black sludge of em-dashes, caffeine and withered morality.

Office life! Talk about LOL!

<3 Mike