OH BOY! COMICS ABOUT OFFICE LIFE! Hopefully this means Lead Paint is about ready for a fat syndication deal and a cartoon spin-off voiced by at least two actors you’ve kind of heard of. Here are the last few steps that Dana and I need to take to get in on the cash geyser that is print newspaper syndication:
- We need to get really snobby and smug about our expertise in our field. I hope you guys like jokes about bosses not understanding m-dashes or the differences in photoshop brush tools, because that’s all you’re getting from now on.
- There needs to be 60% more jokes about computer programming and 3,000% more that involve sarcastic talking animals.
- Every comic will be exactly 4 panels, arranged horizontally, because humor does not exist outside that shape.
- The strip will update 6 days a week, but I’m going to spend about 1/100 the time writing it. (When you’re telling the same coffee/dumb boss/grumpy coworker jokes over and over, time-saving systems tend to emerge.)
- All art will be outsourced to whatever intern we can find that’s smart enough to not puke on a cintiq while churning out the same 6 layouts over and over. The intern will not be paid, unless you count slaps across the face. In that case, they will be paid once every half-hour.
- Color is out, Comic Sans is in.
- There will be no more curse words since if if we want to get rich, we can’t risk offending people who have a completely incorrect and nonsensical conception of what is and isn’t offensive. Instead, any word that even sounds like a swear will be replaced with either a cumbersome anachronism like “fiddlesticks” or a shoehorned catchphrase that the syndicate’s marketing department will probably end up writing.
Eventually artistic depression will drive me straight into the arms of alcoholism, my writing shifting from benign office humor to confused right-wing rants so aggressive it makes the worst Tea Party rally seem like a lesson from Bert and Ernie. Dana of course will be too bombed on percocets to notice, our art at this point having degraded to the point where it just looks like a knotted squiggle weakly humping a thumbprint over and over. Until then though, get ready for joke after joke about productivity and how bosses just don’t get it.