Oh man! The story arc train is still chugging along! I hope you enjoyed part five, and if you missed part one, you can find it right here!

I’ve found hyperbolic simile, such as “reality TV reminds me of cancer combined with hepatitis,”  to be a useful rhetorical tool now and again. Here are some phrases that have served me well in the past:

  • “This sandwich tastes like burnt rubber, scabs and my own personal failings as a lover.” (Use this one for a sandwich you DON’T like, that’s the key here.)
  • “Every time you talk, it’s like a rape-crazed golem made of pure stupidity has jammed its rocky arm down my throat, yanked out most of my organs, thrown them as far as it can, then stuffed me back up with your moronic, moronic ideas, which if I’m not being clear, will eventually cause me to die.” (A good one to save for talking to your parents or when you have to get out of a speeding ticket.)
  • “I want this present you’re giving me about as much as I want a horse, maybe born from hell, maybe not, to kick me down a flight of stairs into a writhing pile of snakes, which as they bite me they also taunt me over a variety of things, most notably how much time I’ve wasted maintaining a relationship with you.” (Best saved for Valentine’s Day, but sometime around your wedding could also work.)

Steal ‘em if you like ‘em!

<3 Mike