This summer, one of America’s most beloved novels gets the big-budget blockbuster treatment! Staying as true to the source material as possible, the film covers all your favorite scenes, like:

  • Billy’s whirlwind romance and courtship with suburban hellcat Valencia Merble
  • That part in the prison camp where Billy and Roland fight back-to-back against the mechno-communists
  • The sexy and surprisingly gory escape from the Tralfamadorian screw-prison
  • Lots of green naked chicks
  • And, as pictured above, Billy’s climatic showdown with his nemesis, Time-Hitler

Also, the whole movie is in 4-D and requires special glasses that screw into the back of your head. Each ticket will cost $32.95 and come with a free promotional 50 oz. Dr. Pepper and a small bottle of Lexapro to keep your heart from bursting from over-excitement.

<3 Mike