A little comic based on the end of this older blog post.

I don’t know that I have a huge problem with fast food places, so much as I despise  these businesses’ fucked-up nightmare marketing aimed at children. McDonalds is the main culprit here I suppose, with their flagship character Ronald McDonald being one of the most fucking intolerable creations on this Earth.

I mean, I get that in our capitalist society, you’ve got to do what you can to get by, and if that means you’ve got to sell to kids, I guess you’ve got to sell to kids. But, let me recast my original complaint: What is with the perverse, fucked-up nightmare shit you’re doing to sell your hamburgers and shaped chicken wads?

Why is Ronald McDonald some kind some of /tooth fairy hybrid who teleports around the earth, conjuring stars from his fingers and grinning lasciviously at young children while promising to fullfill all their dreams? Why isn’t it enough for him to just be a funny clown who like hamburgers and wants you to like them too?

I can just imagine the meeting where they decided to make Ronald into a pervert sorcerer:
“Hey, you know what kids love? Shit like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Why don’t we make Ronald more like that, and really capitalize on the hopeful, canine innocence of children that drives them to love anything that brings them gifts and seems a little bit like Jesus?”

I don’t mean to slip so far into “Mr. Tinfoil Hat McShotgun-Shack” mode here, but this kind of advertising is a sore point for me. I’m a little uneasy with advertising directed at children in general, even the metaphor of “shooting fish in a barrel” not doing justice to how easy it is to get kids to want things. When you hone on emotional patterns that are responsible for incredibly pure and wonderful childhood experiences though, like those that drive the Tooth-Fairy ritual, and use it to sell cheap, food-like products, I think a line is crossed. If you’re wondering, the line I’m talking about divides “okay” and “totally evil shittery.” You can infer which way these actions place them on said line on your own.

Hmm. Three or four ranty blog posts in a row. Next week, I promise we will talk about something that I love, in order to keep my Dr. Grumples act from driving 100 percent of our readers away.


  • “Eat the Meek”–NOFX. One of my very favorite songs, I’ve always found it’s lyrics to be particularly emotionally potent. Example: “You know there’s always going to be pedigree/ One owns the air, one pays to breathe.”
  • “People That are Going to Hell”–The Vandals. A weird happy and sing-songy tune about shitty people that are, well, going to Hell.
  • “Monster Mash”–The Misfits. What? I said loosely themed.

<3 Mike