I didn’t get much of a chance to chat with you guys about my trip to Vegas. For those of you who have never been, here are some facts to mull:

  • Certain things are popular there that in the real world would be completely intolerable. A good example would be Louie Anderson’s stage show, which is advertised on dozens of huge billboards, both indoors and out. Outside the madhouse context of Vegas, certainly no one would want Louie’s huge pumpkin head grinning down at him/her in a way that is sexually invasive to the point of causing intense, nervous nausea. In Vegas though, that shit is basically everywhere (a close-up on his face from the billboard).
  • Speaking of inexplicably popular performers, Carrot Top pretty ubiquitous in Vegas. Not only is he on a hilarious amount of billboards,  he does all the hotel promo videos for the Luxor, the hotel my company happens to adore booking me at. Carrot Top shilling Chris Angel MINDFREAK (Hurrr) or the Bodies exhibit 24/7 on my hotel TV is so surreal and absurd, it seems almost like a Sartre play designed to teach me the futility of humor in the face of mortality and a dude who tells joke with a blow-up doll sometimes. Favorite thing: How Carrot Top does all the instructional TSA videos for the Las Vegas airport. I’m pretty sure this means that the federal government paid Carrot Top to explain how you can’t walk through a metal detector with a giant backpack and a fake arrow through your head. Nice work America.
  • You’re surronded by constant and overt sexual socilitations, but it’s way less fun than you would think. Once and while you’ll see a crass display of semi-nudity that is moderately enjoyable, but mostly it’s stuff that’s pretty revolting. Really old and gross cocktail waitresses, ads for strip clubs inside like a Starbucks or police station, and giant photographs focused on the crotches of people who are not crotch-focus-worthy. Again, I must reference both Carrot Top and Louie Anderson, each of which have advertisements that focus on their crotches prominently. 

There are the standard complaints too (everything is expensive, smoking is permitted indoors, the flight is long and terrible, blah blah wah wah) but I should probably stop myself before everyone figures out what a whiny old square I am. And in fairness, I did see something that I really liked in Vegas.

When you arrive in Vegas and are walking through the airport, there is an amazing indoor wall billboard about when you reach the motorized walkway. A girl, maybe 17,  holding an AK-47 beckons you to come patronize the local shooting range. The image looks like it was taken in ’92 on the cheapest digital camera possible. The ad’s copy promises you can fire basically every gun imaginable at this range. Seriously, it lists like 14 different types of guns on the ad, 12 of which I’ve never heard of before (making the ad that much more wonderful of course). Even now, just thinking about the ad, I’m giggling a bit.

Bottom line of all my rambling: Don’t go to Vegas unless you really need to shoot some paper targets with exotic weaponry.

SOME SONGS FOR THIS WEEK:

  • “Forget Me Not”–Wu Tang vs. The Beatles. I’m not even going to describe this song. Just read its title, the name of the artist, and let the obvious awesomeness wash over you. BONUS!: You can listen to the whole song for free on the front page of Octopus Pie right now! Octopus pie is a great webcomic, and if you’ve never checked it out before, I’d recommend giving it a read!
  • “Creeping out Sara”–NOFX. A song wonderful in its complete and total inappropriateness, Fat Mike tells a story about a time when he chatted with a lesbian.
  •  ”Helena”–The Misfits. Just a little something for Valentines Day. Give it a listen if you’re feeling especially romantic (give it a try on google!).

Have a happy Valentines Day everyone,

<3 Mike