If you’re a child of the ’90s like me, then news of  Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan dating probably caused you no end of bewildered glee/awesome spit-take after spit-take. Because I’m one of those assholes who has to analyze everything, here’s my theory on why these two are dating:

In the ’90s, Corgan basically had it all. Critical respect, mainstream success, incredible wealth, he and his band even recorded guest spots on the Simpsons (notably also reaching its creative peak around the same time). As the years pass though, things start to slip. Some things are unavoidably tragic, like the overdose-death of the band’s keyboardist in 1996, and other things are unavoidably human. The band isn’t getting along with each other as well as they used to, and Corgan and Co. get sucked into the dangerous artistic trap of over-philosophizing their work. Instead of just focusing on making good songs, the band starts worrying too much about “innovation” and “how rock music is boring.” Accordingly, their new material sucks hard.

A few more years pass. More drugs. More arguing with bandmates. People who talk a good game but are inherently shitty, like Courtney Love, start showing up and wasting everyones time. Soon enough, Corgan wakes up one morning, and he’s not in a great band that’s made a lot of fun songs, he’s in some inane shitheap called “Zwan” and writing poetry that never, ever should have been published.

Deep down though, beneath hiring 20 year-old drummers and staggeringly horrible new singles (seriously, listen to “Willow Wake My Mind,” if you can),  Billy Corgan is still awesome. There is a tiny, flickering ember still burning, buried behind his heart that wakes him in the dead of night occasionally and says, “Hey man, what the fuck is with all the wimpy poetry and songs that have zero screeching vocals? What happened to writing awesome tunes man? What happened to that? What happened to you?”

Enter Jessica Simpson. Simpson’s fame has always been something that makes no sense. Being a blond, dumber-than-average hottie with a psychotic father is a pretty flimsy pretense for fame: spend five minutes at the nearest State College sorority and you’ll find 20 girls interchangeable with J.S. without even trying. Interpret her fame with Corgan as the centerpiece however, and things start to add up.

Jessica was never famous for the reasons most people assume. She attained stardom because the wealth and notoriety it would give her would allow her to meet, and eventually date, Billy Corgan. Why does she want to date Billy Corgan? She doesn’t, it’s actually all a cover. Bear with me here.

Jessica Simpson has a secret time-portal in her crotch. This is the only way her being famous can make sense, assuming we live in a just and rational world. Her purpose in life was never to be America’s favorite bimbo, or even to serve as masturbation fodder for millions of 13-year-olds, it was, and has always been, to get Billy Corgan back to 1987. Everything she has ever done, or ever will do, was leading up to fulfilling this singular goal.

God, fate, destiny, Karma, whatever you want to call it, has given Corgan a unique gift. Rewarding him for his great achievements, yet punishing him for his eventual hubris and misue of his talent, he has been allowed to relive the best parts of his life over and over. He can’t change anything or do anything differently. Rather, his mind is just transported back inside the skull of a Corgan 23-years younger, all his memories of the future intact, vis-a-vis the crotch portal. Here is a little time line for you:

  • 1988: The Smashing Pumpkins form and start working on being awesome
  • 1997: The band reaches peak awesomeness with “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Saddness”
  • 1998: Things start sucking, slowly but surely
  • 2000: The band breaks up. Around the same time, Jessica Simpson is working her way into the American Consciousness, her first single reaching #3 on Billboard’s Hot 100 list.
  • 2002: Jessica Simpson’s “Newlyweds” TV show begins. In an eerily parallel move, Corgan releases Zwan’s only album.
  • Jan. 2009: Simpson catches flak for some minor weight gain. Less than a year later, she and Corgan will meet, so logically she was just storing up the initial fuel required to open the time portal.
  • Dec. 2009: Corgan and Simpson meet. Shortly after their first date, Simpson reveals her time-crotch. Corgan happily and quickly makes use of the portal, leaving our time line forever. To preserve the integrity of the time stream, Corgan’s body still exists in our era. Absent the mind that steered it, Corgan’s now-brainless body plods through life largely driven by brain-stem and nerve reactions. It eats when hungry, sleeps when tired, and generally sucks air in order to convince the world that Billy Corgan still lives and time travel is not possible. The bow-and-ribbon on this lie, Corgan’s brainless husk releases its own music. Crafted without Corgan’s mind or soul, this music is inevitably terrible, which is exactly the purpose it must serve. Seeming a washed-up and crappy musician, the world turns its eyes away from Corgan, letting the brain-stem husk exist in a quiet and obscure peace.

This cycle repeats itself again and again. Corgan, inhabiting his own mind, lives his life over again from 1987 to 2009, before being sent back in time once more by diving into the crotch of a pseudo pop-star. This is his gift, his curse, and why new Smashing Pumpkin songs will never be good.

I will be in Dallas this week, from Monday to Weds. We are still continuing our new habit of  Weds. blog posting, myself being the writer of this week’s. See you all in three days!