Oh man! The story arc train is still chugging along! I hope you enjoyed part five, and if you missed part one, you can find it right here!
I’ve found hyperbolic simile, such as “reality TV reminds me of cancer combined with hepatitis,” to be a useful rhetorical tool now and again. Here are some phrases that have served me well in the past:
- “This sandwich tastes like burnt rubber, scabs and my own personal failings as a lover.” (Use this one for a sandwich you DON’T like, that’s the key here.)
- “Every time you talk, it’s like a rape-crazed golem made of pure stupidity has jammed its rocky arm down my throat, yanked out most of my organs, thrown them as far as it can, then stuffed me back up with your moronic, moronic ideas, which if I’m not being clear, will eventually cause me to die.” (A good one to save for talking to your parents or when you have to get out of a speeding ticket.)
- “I want this present you’re giving me about as much as I want a horse, maybe born from hell, maybe not, to kick me down a flight of stairs into a writhing pile of snakes, which as they bite me they also taunt me over a variety of things, most notably how much time I’ve wasted maintaining a relationship with you.” (Best saved for Valentine’s Day, but sometime around your wedding could also work.)
Steal ‘em if you like ‘em!
<3 Mike
SONG FOR WEDS:
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Special thanks to Allie F. for catching a typo in today’s comic. A fixed comic is up thanks to her watchful eye.
EDIT: And Kerrick J. Too! What we’re learning today is “DON’T WRITE BLOG POSTS AND PROOFREAD COMICS TOO LATE AT NIGHT MIKE.”
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS …
Well hey everybody, welcome another late edition of Lead Paint’s Wednesday blog. I have a couple of technical points before we get onto the fun stuff.
- First off, our comics have hover text jokes now, and have for the last 6 or so updates. Just hang your mouse cursor over the comic image for a few seconds, and the joke will appear. I’m only mentioning this because both my girlfriend and Dana didn’t know Lead Paint has these extras now, so I thought it might be wise to hip the rest of our readers.
- Secondly, we have a random button now. This is a hilariously overdo feature to our site, I know, but if you guys could give it a test or two, it would be much appreciated. I’m 90% positive that it’s working fine, but Comicpress (the program this site is built with) is a terribly buggy thing, so I’m never really convinced that anything is sunshine and rainbows.
Whew, now that we’re all done with that, let’s talk about pig dicks in a cyclone. Yup, I meant to type that. It’s cool, I’ll let that set in for a second.
Ready?
“Pig dicks in a cyclone” is one of the many linguistic masterpieces uttered by this man:
Patton Oswald. You may know him as the voice of Remy the Rat from Pixar’s Ratatouille, which is totally fine. But it’s important to know him as one of the best stand-up comics out there right now. Check out the first ten minutes from his last CD (I HIGHLY recommend starting this video at 6:34):
Woo, and here’s part two, which I also love:
Pretty great right? There is plenty more where that came from. If you’re wondering where “pig dicks in a cyclone” came from, you should watch a bit he has on Funny or Die right here. Also, it’s about a new poet laureate for the U.S. Intrigued yet? You should be!
I love Patton Oswald, partly because he can turn a mean phrase, busting out awesome phrases like “bantamweight oral punch” and “Uncle Touchy’s naked puzzle basement.” I’m also a fan though, because he’s really honest and soul-barring about his insecurities, and I love jokes about that.
Basically, I recommend buying both of his albums as fast as you can. It is the most important thing you need to do with your life, no exaggeration (like I ever do that).
See you all on Sunday,
<3 Mike
For no particular reason, here’s a drawing of Mike:
